Dear Sahaj: As a divorced woman dating in my late 40s, how do I show up authentically when desi family and friends ask about it? This is a no-brainer when I speak to my non-desi friends here. … However, the thought, “What will people say” hounds me at other times.
– Divorced
Divorced: I wrote a book called “But What Will People Say?” for a reason. I understand the implications of cultural judgment and how damning it can be.
You are in control of how much you disclose to family and friends. Showing up authentically doesn’t mean oversharing; it means being rooted in your truth even if you choose to share less. This might look like having a short, confident response ready, changing the subject without apology or only opening up to those who respond with curiosity, not criticism.
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You can even find creative ways to neutralize the conversation. You can be playful (“If they’re talking about me, at least I’m keeping the community entertained.”) or matter-of-fact (“I’m dating and getting to know new people.”) or you can be curious (“Why do you think it surprises people when women date after divorce?”).
You don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification for your relationship choices. It’s tempting to keep modifying your story for acceptance, but every time you do, you subtly teach yourself that their approval matters more than your truth. Instead of playing this defensively, frame the narrative in ways that honor your path and allow you to feel ownership of your journey. This may sound like: “This stage has been freeing. I’m making choices that feel right for me.” Or even: “I’m figuring out what I want in partnership and life. It’s been empowering.” This will also let you stand firm if someone pushes by saying, “I appreciate your concern, but I’m happy with my choices.”
In some cases, authenticity doesn’t mean transparency. You’re entitled to your privacy, so explore what it means for you to answer questions in a way that’s honest and self-protective, without molding yourself to their comfort or out of fear of “log kya kahenge.”
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Dear Sahaj: My parents are immigrants from Hong Kong and can be toxic when it comes to how I feed my family. I am a mom to a rising second grader and would like our entire family to be more plant-forward. My son likes my vegetarian-leaning meals.
However, my parents constantly pester me and tell me that he isn’t “getting enough nutrition” from legumes like lentils and chickpeas. Or even tofu. Why? Because growing children need to have balanced meals. I constantly remind them that Buddhists are vegan and manage to live full, healthy lives. They, on the other hand, believe that Buddhists are just “built differently.” Sorry? They’re normal humans, just like me?
It’s not that they’re UNFAMILIAR with cuisines outside Cantonese and other Chinese food – I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s and was eating my fair share of North American things. It’s just that there’s not enough meat.
– Plant Forward
Plant Forward: What you’re dealing with isn’t really about lentils, tofu or even nutrition. Rather, it’s about deep-rooted generational beliefs.
It sounds like your parents may associate meat with status, strength or abundance in some way. It’s also possible they feel like you are challenging their parenting approach that is rooted in a food-as-love culture. It may not be rational, but that’s why finding a way to build a bridge rather than screaming at each other on different sides of the issue may be an important approach. You want to use language that connects your shared values. This may sound like: “I agree that he needs a balanced meal! That’s why I make sure he has a variety, like grains, vegetables, fruit, beans and nuts.”
You may consider acknowledging their concern so they feel heard and then offering simple, relatable reassurance. For example, if they are constantly focusing on “nutrition,” use this as a way to educate and address their fears. This might sound like, “You keep saying he’s not getting nutrition, but what is it you are actually worried about?” They may say something about his growth or strength, and you can educate and reassure: “Lentils have iron just like beef.” Or: “These foods give him strength. Tofu and beans have the same building blocks as meat, just like how fish and pork are different but still make you strong.”
Maybe there’s also a way to have your parents be involved in the food preparation by having them help make the lentils, so you can show them how you add flavor to it or asking them to make the soup your kid loves together – but with tofu instead of pork. You may even share with them how the pediatrician is reporting on your son’s growth and strength to help calm their nerves.
And if they keep circling back, prepare a statement you can repeat to hold your boundary. This may sound like: “I know you care, and I appreciate that. I’m not changing this approach right now.”