Hi Sahaj, I am a 29-year-old male dating a 30-year-old female (both Indian) for the last year or so. We are childhood friends and are considering getting married next year.
My parents had warned me that her parents were always fiscally very irresponsible and always trying to live beyond their means. Because of this, they were against the relationship initially but now seem to have come around. My girlfriend informed me after we started dating that her parents had taken a home mortgage that has a 30-year tenure. She said they’re trying to fix it by either selling off the house or through other means. Nearly half her earnings go into these payments every month, while her parents are now senior citizens and contribute one part of it. Here’s the kicker: The property is still under construction, which means they pay rent and installments every month.
Living in a city like Mumbai on our limited salary with heavy debt seems to be a challenge. Even more challenging is that our financial temperaments are poles apart. I am very disciplined while she has always spent a little beyond her means. Since we started dating, we’ve had conversations on how we could be on the same page with regards to handling finances, and she seems amenable to changing some of her poorer money habits.
However, when we were talking about the loan payments last week, I realized she was completely clueless on the loans and had just agreed to them because her parents had asked her to. I am extremely worried about coming off as the partner who pushes her partner to get details, but she feels more questioning would lead to her parents blaming me, though I don’t know for what.
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I’m worried. How can I best manage the situation? I would hate to hear from my parents, “I told you so,” but I also don’t want to end a relationship over this despite knowing that money issues are legitimate.
– Money Talk
Money Talk: Everyone has a money story. For some, like you, it may be about being more disciplined – either because of experiencing hardship, learning financial responsibility or fearing “not having” money. Your girlfriend, who has taken on a major financial burden without fully questioning or understanding the details, may be more avoidant about money because she has been taught to defer to her parents (who have their own story around money equaling status – even if it means living out of their means).
Neither you nor your girlfriend’s attitude about money is inherently “right” or “wrong” – but without awareness, they’ll clash. The real work is to uncover the stories behind both of your money habits, so you can consciously choose which ones to carry forward into your partnership, and which ones to release.
It is important for every relationship, regardless of financial situation, to have the big talk about money. So before you get to the specifics of your girlfriend’s situation, zoom out. You can use resources like Money for Couples or Feel-Good Finance (written by a financial therapist!), which can both help you broach this scary conversation. For starters, discuss your shared goals. So instead of focusing on numbers, consider what values you both agree on when it comes to lifestyle and your future together – things like wanting stability, freedom to travel or having a retirement plan. Once these goals are named, you can start to explore specifics (i.e. When you say you want stability, what would that actually look like in our bank accounts, or in how we spend money day-to-day?). It may even help to have one active goal you work toward together, like saving for your wedding or a home purchase. These shared values and goals will shed light on what emotions are coming up and whether you and your girlfriend even want the same things.
These conversations should be ongoing and consistent. Consider incorporating this into your relationship by having a “money date” each week or month where you both talk about finances openly and nonjudgmentally. This allows you to practice talking about money regularly the same way you’d talk about hopes, sex or health, and it allows for financial transparency.
When you do talk to your girlfriend about this specific concern, frame it as wanting to build a healthy future together, not as judging her family. Instead of “you need to get details,” use us language and say, “if we’re planning a future together, I’d feel more secure if we had clarity on this.” You can even bring back your shared goals as a way to voice concerns on how this is going to hinder achieving those. You deserve to know if you’re agreeing to supporting her parents occasionally or if you’re being locked into their financial mistakes indefinitely. Asking for details like what her monthly obligation is or what happens if she were to stop contributing (legally, is this falling on her anyway?) helps you understand if you’re both on the same page.
And maybe getting on the same page means being okay with her parents misunderstanding your relationship and “blaming” you but knowing you and her are in this together. Or it may mean you’ll need scaffolding, like paperwork, in place (which I know can feel countercultural) so her responsibility won’t fall on you. And ultimately, it will mean having bigger conversations about both of your needs in the relationship to feel secure, trusting and aligned as partners in life.
It’s valid to be afraid of your parents’ “I told you so,” but it can’t become a factor in your relationship. The key issue isn’t that her parents made poor choices; it’s whether your girlfriend is able (and willing) to manage her financial life with you. If she shows accountability and willingness to learn, that’s different from her blindly repeating her parents’ patterns.