Dear Sahaj: Three years ago, my oldest daughter, her husband and three children came to visit me and my wife for the Christmas holiday. As usual, her family would stay in my home from Christmas and past the New Year holiday.
During Christmas Eve, she and one of my other kids got into a heated argument and she just packed up all her luggage and drove back to her home in another state with her family. My wife and I had nothing to do with her fight with her sibling. My wife and I have been calling her and emailing her to not make such a small thing into a big thing. So far, she has ignored our pleas.
She totally cut communications with all members of her family including other siblings who were not involved in her fight. The worst part of this episode is that my wife and I miss our three grandchildren, whom we have not seen for more than three years. Please advise us on what to do in this difficult situation. Thanks.
– Cut Off
ADVERTISEMENT
Cut Off: When an adult child cuts off contact for years, it is rarely about one argument alone. While the Christmas Eve fight may have been the visible trigger, your daughter may have experienced it as part of a longer pattern of feeling unsupported or dismissed within the family. This might seem “small” to you, but chances are it’s “big” to your daughter – otherwise, she probably wouldn’t have left so suddenly.
Before I advise on what you can do, here’s what not to do: Don’t continue to minimize what happened. Don’t pressure her to reconnect for the sake of the family or grandchildren. Don’t repeatedly call and email her begging her to explain herself. Don’t use her kids as emotional leverage. And don’t defend your neutrality. When someone feels hurt, the fastest way to lose them is to tell them they “shouldn’t” feel that way.
At this point, reconciliation is unlikely to come from persuading or pleading and is more likely to begin with accountability and curiosity – even if you don’t feel like you were directly involved in the conflict. This does not mean agreeing with her version of events or taking blame for things you don’t believe you did. But it does mean being willing to acknowledge impact over intent, and to recognize that something in the family dynamic – and even in your relationship with her – did not (and does not) feel safe or supportive to her, even if that was never your goal.
If you choose to reach out again, do so thoughtfully, and with a message that centers listening rather than correction. That might sound like: “We’ve spent time reflecting, and we realize we may have focused too much on how things looked to us instead of how they felt to you. We’re sorry for any ways we dismissed or failed to support you. We miss you and the kids deeply. If you’re open to sharing what you needed from us that you didn’t get, we’re willing to listen – without defending ourselves.” Then, give her space. Be patient without feeling entitled to a response.
In the meantime, I’d encourage you and your wife to ask yourselves some harder, private questions: How have conflicts been handled in your family historically? Was harmony valued more than honesty? Were apologies rare or conditional? Was your daughter ever labeled “too sensitive” when she expressed hurt? Clearly your daughter has reached her tipping point, and the only way to resume contact with her – or your grandchildren – is to focus on how you can repair the relationship with her and reflect on larger family patterns, not just the single incident.
Family estrangement is a real loss, and I can imagine how painful and confusing it might feel to be missing out on this relationship – and ones with your grandkids. Working with a family systems therapist can help you tolerate the uncertainty, communicate differently and avoid repeating dynamics that may have contributed to the rupture.
Frankly, reconnection may be slow, and you may never fully know why she has distanced herself. Regardless, it will be imperative for you and your wife to show your daughter that you can be a safe space for her to come back to, rather than trying to push her through a door she doesn’t even know she wants to walk through.