Dear Sahaj: While I adore my dad, he has a penchant for grand gestures and surprises, which I do not like. My wedding is approaching soon, and while I think I’ve done some good preemptive work telling him what I don’t want, weddings in my culture are typically grand affairs, and I know I can’t think of everything.
Is there anything more I should do? It’s not that I’m against being in the spotlight (it’s a wedding, and I could have chosen to elope), but I am against being blindsided and forced to display some kind of expected emotion. I was adamant to my fiancé that I not be proposed to in any sort of crowd for that very reason (which he of course listened to).
– Unspotlight Bride
Unspotlight Bride: Being celebrated is one thing, and being blindsided into a reaction is another. You’re not rejecting attention; you’re asking for the chance to meet emotional moments on your own terms.
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It’s possible your dad has no idea how or why these grand gestures actually dysregulate you. After all, in some cultures, parents show love through acts, effort and spectacle. His reality and your needs can both exist. Rather than thinking of every possible scenario that could arise, just tell your dad about the broader boundary you need. This may sound like: “Dad, I appreciate how thoughtful and enthusiastic you are; it’s one of the things I love about you. I just want to share something honestly: Big surprises, even happy ones, throw me off emotionally. I need a bit of warning or context to feel grounded. So it would mean a lot to me if we could agree that nothing surprise-based happens on the wedding day. I’m absolutely open to you planning something meaningful, I just need to know about it beforehand so I can actually enjoy it, not panic. I’m not saying, ‘Don’t do anything,’ I’m saying, ‘Let’s make sure I’m prepared.’ Can we agree to that?”
In many families, weddings are a parent’s milestone as much as the couple’s. It’s sweet that your dad is getting so excited, but I can tell it’s also overwhelming you. Talk to him about that, too! Focus on both what he can’t do and what he can – which can feel less restrictive. Having a more open, two-way conversation about expectations and assumptions can help you show curiosity while also being firm about what you do and don’t want. This can also help you create a wedding where he feels like he can share his excitement, but in a way that doesn’t feel too burdensome to you.
Maybe there are things you can offer him, such as a planned father-daughter moment, a speech you or someone you trust approves in advance, a contribution he can make that isn’t public-facing, a “gift” that happens before or after the wedding. These can help him channel his impulses to “go over the top” in a way that feels contained by you.
I also wonder if there’s a third party you can enlist to help you hold these boundaries. This might be bringing your partner or sibling into the conversation, since your dad may be more likely to listen or defer if more people are present. And it may be asking a family member to help be on “dad watch” as the wedding approaches and throughout the celebration – so they can run interference, and you can be as present as possible.
Finally, while we don’t want to expect the worst, sometimes anxiety-proofing these scenarios can help give you a sense of agency and calm. Have a backup plan for emotional regulation. This may be a grounding breath, a hand signal to your partner, a DJ or friend who can physically step between you and a microphone if need be or get the music going. We want to make sure you enjoy this day and this process as much as possible! Best wishes!