Dear Sahaj: My daughter (8) has become close friends with another girl who has been in her class every year since kindergarten. This girl is from an Afghan family that moved to the U.S. post-2021, so I imagine the transition has been difficult for them. I have met the mother once at a school event; she doesn’t speak much English, so communication was difficult. My daughter loves this friend and would like to play with her outside of school. But my efforts to do this in the usual way (sending texts to the parents’ phone number provided in the class directory) have resulted in nothing. Is this something I should give up on?
On the one hand, I imagine they have bigger difficulties than arranging a play date, and as a White person myself I have no idea what cultural taboos I may be stepping on when I reach out. On the other hand, I hate to imagine their daughter is not getting time with her friends because of a language/culture barrier. (She also seems very fond of my daughter, as there are big hugs, laughter and constant togetherness when they are around each other at school events.) Is there a way to foster this friendship?
– Cross-Cultural Playdates
CCP: The silence doesn’t necessarily mean “no.” As you said, they may be navigating some stressors with their recent resettlement. Additionally, in many Central Asian and South Asian cultures, children spend time together in the context of family visits, community gatherings or supervised settings – not necessarily the “drop-off playdate” format that’s common in the U.S. Even more, playdates with friends may not be as prioritized in these cultures as family time, cultural/religious community-related events or even academic or skill-based extracurriculars. But there may be ways you can acknowledge all of this creatively in your efforts.
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Regardless of it being several years of your daughters being in school together, you are a stranger to this mom. Consider how you can be more of a friend to her – through kindness, hospitality and generosity – before the kids get involved. How can you get some more face time with the mom to help her feel more comfortable around you? Keep in mind that many collectivist cultures tend to be high-context cultures, which means communication is often less direct and more nonverbal and contextual. Be mindful of how you are using nonverbal warmth (like smiling and waving) when you are seeing her in person. Regardless of language, these can go a long way.
If you are leaning on text to communicate, consider using short and very clear sentences, so it can be easy to translate on her end. And even more, if you are unable to get time with her in person, you could send a note home with a small gift for your daughter to pass on through her daughter. (Consider asking the school if they have any resources for helping you translate into Dari, Pashto or any other language this family speaks.) Introducing yourself, offering to be a helping hand with her daughter (especially because your daughter is so fond of her), and showing interest in getting to know her and the family is going to take you further than a straightforward text scheduling a playdate.
When it’s time to suggest a playdate, consider inviting both her and her daughter over or making it a group endeavor with other girls and mothers. This might sound like: “The girls seem to really love each other. Would you like to come over for tea so the girls can play together after school one day?” Inviting both parent and child at first (and demonstrating hospitality!) reduces worry and shows respect for cultural norms around children’s safety and supervision. It’s also a good time for the parents to meet and get comfortable with each other. You may even consider a neutral space such as meeting at a park or kids museum. This may feel less intimidating than inviting them into your home right away. Finally, have an age-appropriate conversation with your daughter about cultural differences. You want to validate the friendship, explain the barriers without blaming this family’s cultural background or differences, and emphasize patience. You can even explain to your daughter that language differences can make planning harder, but that doesn’t mean her friend doesn’t want to see her. This helps her stay patient and not personalize any silence or delays.
So is it worth pursuing? Yes … but gently. You’re unlikely to be violating cultural taboos by showing kindness or inviting them for a get together. If anything, hospitality and warmth are highly valued in collectivist cultures. Don’t push too hard or expect fast results. It’s possible she has other kids to think about, duties to fulfill at home that make “after school” playdates impossible, or – as you said – is simply tired or navigating stress/trauma from resettling. If she declines or doesn’t respond, make the choice to not take it as a rejection of you or your daughter.