Q: Every year, my partner’s family goes on vacation to a location that’s extremely White – I’m talking like 5 people of color per 100 people. Oftentimes, as the only POC, the beach town can feel isolating because everyone already knows each other, knows the same people, grew up in the same area and has similar upbringings (upper-middle class, White and from the Northeast).
When we go out to town, I’ve heard people say wildly racist things in public. And recently, someone close to my partner made a joke that was clearly derogatory toward South Asians. As the only South Asian in the group, I immediately clocked it, but my partner didn’t even bother to call this family friend out on it or correct him. I’ve expressed my dismay to my partner about it and am worried that if we end up having children together, they’ll feel the same way I do when we go on vacation to this location: isolated and alone.
I am interested in raising my children in a diverse area with other South Asians, so they can be exposed to my culture and interact with people of similar backgrounds. My partner, however, would prefer to live near his parents and family – a place where there are few POC in general. At the beginning of our relationship, my partner seemed accepting of my culture and was open to trying the food, watching Bollywood movies together and asking questions. Now, I feel as if he’s done a 180 and isn’t receptive to the possibility of even having children with ‘ethnic’ names or raising them in a diverse area.
I’ve told him I am happy to attend his yearly vacations sometimes but that I need to assert my boundaries, possibly going every other year instead. He sees this as a rejection of his own culture. However, I do regularly see both his parents, siblings and friends outside of these vacations and maintain good relationships with them.
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Is there a way to compromise on these fundamental issues, or is this relationship toast?
– Wishing for the Best, Preparing for the Worst
A: This is not just about vacations or where to live. This is about whether your partner can stand with you in difficult moments, respect your cultural needs and identity, or see the impact on your future family. He is minimizing racism by not speaking up or acknowledging your discomfort; this will inevitably create a deep rupture in your relationship, if it hasn’t already. If he sees your boundary-setting as a personal rejection, it suggests he hasn’t fully reckoned with the racial and cultural dynamics you’re naming. That’s not something that goes away on its own.
What you are feeling right now is enough to bring up a larger, more serious conversation. One around his own willingness to put in the work to understand and educate himself on these dynamics, as well as his role within them. Simply put: Your partner has privilege – and therefore, influence and power – in ways you don’t. If he’s not willing to confront that, and use it, then how can you confidently feel safe in the relationship?
Even more, the way I see it, also as a South Asian partnered to a White man, your future kids are going to be raised in a society that reflects your partner’s cultural values and norms – by default. So being intentional about how and where your kids get to see and engage in our cultural values and norms is not just a “nice to have” … it’s necessary and important. Be very direct with your partner about this: “For me, it’s nonnegotiable that our kids are raised in a diverse community and exposed to my culture through (name specific traditions or factors). Can you see yourself fully on board with that?”
Your relationship is probably “toast” if he continues to dismiss racism, if he refuses to engage when you’re hurt or if he’s unwilling to raise kids in a way that honors both your cultures. It makes sense that giving your children a name that honors your history and cultural background is important to you. I’m curious to whom these names are considered “ethnic.” This might seem innocuous, but that word choice alone centers Whiteness and is a part of the problem. Partnership requires both people to sometimes go beyond their comfort zones. If you feel like you’re constantly compromising on core values while he interprets your needs as rejection or unimportant, can that be a fulfilling relationship for you long-term?
Being with someone of another culture or background should be an expansive experience, not a restrictive one. If you are the only person stretching, your resentment will only continue to grow … and that is not sustainable. One activity you can do together is take some time to each write out what’s nonnegotiable about family, culture and raising children. Then come together and compare the list. Is there overlap? Is there enough room to build a life together?
Of course intertwining your lives will require compromise, but please don’t mistake compromise for sacrifice. It’s only a compromise if both of you are willing to meet in the middle somewhere. Giving something up while your boundaries are being dismissed is a sacrifice. There are some things – such as safety and belonging – that cannot and should not be up for negotiation in a relationship.
In a world that is already unkind, othering and discriminatory to people with marginalized identities like you, you truly deserve intimate relationships that are soft, safe, affirming and inclusive.