Dear Sahaj: How can I get my Indian parents to respect boundaries? I am the youngest of two daughters, unmarried, but I am a surgeon who retired early for health reasons. My parents will move in with me when they can no longer live independently.
Every time they visited in the past, they have taken over my home and ignored my boundaries in every possible way. My dad dug up plants I put in the garden to move them where he preferred. My mom rearranged my kitchen to suit her and brought things from her home to store in my closets. They ignored my strict directive to not bring anything moldy from their home and to clean anything they wanted to keep before bringing it. (I have a strong autoimmune reaction to the mold at their home, and it triggered a disease that is not in remission.)
Now they’re supposed to be moving in with me?!? How can I keep them from ruining my home (they are hoarders) and my happiness? When I lay down rules, they ignore them. When I push back, they get mad or shut down. They lie that they are following my instructions. They lie about so many things, even ones that harm them (like whether Mom is checking her blood pressures).
ADVERTISEMENT
I am doing everything I can to keep them healthy, as the one with medical expertise, but they are not doing the same for me, and I’m stressed and angry. Can this situation be salvaged?
– Not even the favorite child
NETFC: Can this be salvaged? Yes, only if you stop trying to salvage it on their terms. You cannot fix this by getting your parents to suddenly become reasonable, respectful or different people. If you keep waiting for them to “get it,” or keep trying to manage their behavior, you will stay stressed and angry. Instead, shift the question from “How can I get them to change?” to, “What do I need to stay well, and how do I build a structure that protects that – with or without their cooperation?” Ultimately, you have to figure out what “salvaged” means to you. Is it finding a way to be okay with them continuing to disrespect your space and choices? Or is it finding ways to set more firm boundaries?
How have you been communicating your needs so far? The biggest mistake I see people make with boundary setting is naming them once and then letting them go. Or waiting for others to just “get it” without having to explicitly ask for what you need. In many Indian families, disagreeing or being direct with elders can feel like betrayal or disrespect, but you can frame your boundaries in a way that is loving. Start a proactive conversation now: “I love you and want to help take care of you. When I imagine you moving in with me, I have a few worries, and I want to make sure we can have a plan that creates a comfortable space for all of us.” This can help you then name what these concerns and needs are.
You can also be deferential to your parents without giving in to them. This may sound like, “I respect you both and I want to care for you, but in doing so, I have to protect the home environment to stay healthy. I’m asking you to support me in that, so I can keep supporting you.” Consider making the boundary external so your parents are less likely to take it as a personal slight. For example, shifting the blame to a neutral “third party” (like a doctor or your older sister), may get them to comply more readily.
You want to be clear about what you need, and you can also consider asking them what they will want and need to feel comfortable in your home. This can help you understand how you can give them some things, while staying firm about others. For example, you can offer to clean up a section of the garden for your dad to have as his own, or you can clean out one cabinet in the common space for your mom to use as storage.
With that said, you don’t have to give in to things you absolutely don’t want to. Be prepared for escalation and how you can handle that. Prepare yourself to set a firm boundary with a consequence – one in which they do not move in with you. After explicitly stating your concerns and needs, you may say, “This is the only way I can care for you safely. If this doesn’t work, I understand and I want to help you find another arrangement.” This may bring up difficult emotions for you, like guilt and shame, that can hinder your ability to set boundaries for yourself. Given your sign-off and the resentment that you already seem to feel, I would encourage you to consider working with a professional who can help you plan for these tough conversations and manage the beliefs and feelings that come up.
Finally, you want to get clear on a specific timeline and logistics. For example, are they moving in more immediately or is that years away still? What happens if you get into a relationship, get married, move or get a pet? How can you share some of the load with your sibling? Just because you are a medical professional doesn’t mean you should be their doctor. Think through these different scenarios so that no turn is left unturned before they move in and you can enlist support and ground rules beforehand.
By being proactive, you can design a plan that works for you, rather than constantly reacting and resenting when your boundaries are crossed. And please remember: Cultural loyalty should not cost you your sanity, health or home.